My Identity and I are only acquaintances

My name is Kyndal Breanne Jane.

I am twenty years old.

And I have only known who I am for a year and a half.

I am bisexual and I am proud.

Let me impart some knowledge and dispel some false ideas about bisexuality. 

Our sexual morals. Yup, they do, in fact, exist! There are many people in this world that think that bisexuals are adulterous and entirely self-serving and non-committal, that we “get around.” But I am here to tell those people that we don’t all behave that way. Actually, most of us don’t jump on absolutely any and every attractive person we see, just to get a fuck. Dude, let me tell you, there is so much more to life than fucking. Most of us actually want to be in an exclusive relationship, surprise, surprise! We don’t want to lead on several different people, having them all think we’re so in love with them and would never cheat on them, but then go sex it up with one of the other side dishes. They’re all side dishes, for fuck’s sake (literally, for the sake of a fuck)! No, people like that disgust me because guess what? We all just want to be loved, and we want to love that one, single, same person right back! Yes, even bisexuals want to love someone – let me emphasize that – someone. I have a fantastic boyfriend. I’m bi, it doesn’t mean that I’m not committed. I love him and that will never, ever change.

And another thing: our sexual orientation doesn’t change depending on who we’re with. If I’m with a girl, I’m not all of the sudden lesbian. I’m still bi. I will always be bi. It’s who I am and I’m not changing for anyone. And on a side note: just because someone is gay or bi, doesn’t mean that they are automatically attracted to every member of the same sex. If Alex tells his brother, Tommy, that he’s gay and Tommy now knows that Alex, his brother, is sexually attracted to him, there’s a problem with that situation. Sorry, but no. Our attraction to people works the same as straight people’s. We don’t like everyone. Hell, I am so picky, it’s amazing I actually found someone who meets my standards! So if one of your bros tells you he’s gay, for the love of God, DO NOT assume that he wants your body, okay? Let’s just keep things as simple and non-awkward as possible.

What it’s like to be bi. You know, up until last year I was under the impression that I was straight – apparently I’m really good at lying to myself – and now I know that I’m actually attracted to both men and women. Honestly, it isn’t really any different. When I started dating my boyfriend, I was declaring myself as straight with “not a gay bone in my body.” I was cool with gays, just not okay with myself being a part of that culture. Well, the delusion had to end eventually. It was actually my boyfriend who helped me come to terms with the fact that I like girls. I’ve thought about being with (and have been with) girls since approximately the fourth or fifth grade. My first kiss was with a girl… I was eight. And I never counted that kiss before; I told everyone my first kiss was with that asshole my freshman year. It wasn’t really a great start to my “mature” kissing experience. But yes, my first kiss was most certainly with a girl. Yet I still told everyone I was definitely straight. The first time I consciously thought about the possibility that I might be attracted to girls was in the seventh grade at a school dance. A slow song came on and my friend and I didn’t have any guys to dance with, so we danced with each other. We were very close; basically prolonged hugging while simultaneously swaying side-to-side to the beat of some Rascal Flatts song. I remember. I had my eyes closed and then I heard one of the teachers telling us that we were too close. At first I was confused because I thought the 6-inch gap rule was only for girls and guys. And then, as we danced, I realized that, yeah, some girls like girls. Was I one of them? No, I couldn’t be; I have a painstakingly embarrassing crush on Easton Whatever-His-Last-Name-Is. He was Mormon. Anyway, no, I dismissed the thought. And that continued throughout high school, all the way up until I came to college. It was just easier not to think about it, not to even consider it. My boyfriend was patient and understanding, but ultimately still forced me to ask myself why I wasn’t okay with being attracted to girls. Not like he made me do anything. I, in an effort to make him believe I wasn’t really bi, kept giving all these reasons why I couldn’t or didn’t want to be bi. I wanted to make him understand that I was not attracted to girls. He never understood. He always refuted with something along the lines of, “You’re attracted to girls and that’s okay.” Eventually I gave up on that tactic and just came out. If you want to call it that. I only told the people who are closest to me, but if someone just came up and asked me, I’d tell the truth. And nothing has changed other than the fact that I’m finally free of attempting to restrict myself from the inevitable. In a nutshell, being bi is not so different from being straight, lesbian, or gay when you look at the big picture. I go to the grocery store, I go to class, I hang out with friends, I go on dates and all these things operate the same way they would if I were straight. The one big difference is that if you’re single and bi, you automatically double your chances of getting a date on Friday night. 😉

What it’s like to be bi on a Christian campus. One word. Tough. Sometimes it’s difficult not to jump in on a group of guys’ conversation about how hot Scarlett Johansson is. I’ve gotten some weird looks, ha. And let’s say if I wasn’t in a relationship and I was looking specifically for a girl, she’d be next to impossible to find. Not that there aren’t lesbian or bi girls here (obviously), but none of them are out because that’d be suicidal on this campus. I mean, people here don’t hate gays; they just don’t have very high opinions of them. You can be best friends with someone, but you’re too afraid to come out to them because it isn’t uncommon for them to just forget all about the awesome friend you are. I’m no longer Kyndal. I’m that bi girl. Hey, watch out in the dorm because that bi girl might try to sneak into your shower and infect you with her gay. Seriously, these are the things these people come up with. Yes, it’s very hard to live in an extremely conservative, religious, and homophobic community. I am lucky to already be in a relationship with an amazing person whom I hope to love for the rest of my life. I have some friends here who are having a rough time coping with the loneliness because it’s so damn hard to find a cute gay guy around here (they have apps for that, you know).

Why I’m only acquainted with myself. Well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but the point is that I’m still learning about this side of myself and how I feel about everything and where I want to go in life, etc. I suppressed my sexuality for so long, that I’m having to catch up with myself, if you will. It’s like that awkward phase you go through in high school where you’re just all over the place, experimenting, because you don’t know who the hell you are. Well, I think I’m figuring it out. 🙂

And for those who may be wondering, I am a Christian. God made me the way I am and He loves me the way I am. And I love Him.

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